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April 6, 2008

We’ve just had a picture perfect spring weekend weather-wise. It was in the low 60’s with blue skies and bright sunshine on both days. It was that first weekend in the spring where everyone comes out of their house and spends time outside. Neighbours talk again after merely waving all winter as they run from the car to the door to beat the bitter cold. Kids play outside, people wash their cars, nearby trails are filled with walkers, runners, bikers and rollerbladers.

I was out and about a fair bit, running errands and what not, but I did take some time so admire the signs of things to come in back yard.

My pussy willow has come to life:


My maple tree is getting ready to pop:


And my daffodils are reaching for the sun too:


Spring is one of my favourite times of the year. Filled with hope and promise, rejuvenation and all that good stuff. And I’m feeling it too, as I always do. But not completely. Something is off. I’m not sure what it is this year, maybe it’s turning forty, maybe it’s the headspace I’m in. I don’t know, but I’m not quite where I usually am at this time every year. I have this underlying sense of dread and I’m having a hard time shaking it off.   As I type this I am realizing that it’s sounding an awful lot like a post I wrote about Christmas.  I was not quite enjoying that season as much I normally have in the past either. I eventually did come around, but what’s wrong with me? Why the hell am I always filled with this feeling?

My job is fine, considering the economy. I am well paid and my finances are in order. My health is fine, despite the fact that my brain wants to turn every ache into something fatal. I’m also in the best relationship I have ever been in or even dreamed I could be in. And yet, it’s like I am just hanging around waiting for the other shoe to drop. As though I am not allowed to have it this good. There must be a catch.

So there it is. Hanging over me like a dark cloud. Even when there is good news, I seem to greet it uneasily, as though I will pay for it some other way. I know it’s stupid. I know it is. I’m trying to shake it off. If anyone has any ideas, by all means I’m all ears. What I don’t want to do is to sit here manifesting something dreadful. I really need to believe everything is fine, and will continue to be. I need to believe that I deserve all of this. I need to have faith in my future. I need to keep those little thoughts from creeping in. I’m just not sure how. And this is something I have never struggled with until a few years ago. Wow, this post sure took a turn eh? Sorry about that. Must be the wine.

 Happy Spring folks!! 🙂

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2008 9:39 am

    Well, I know how to do that too, turn good stuff into BUT WHAT IFS…
    Your last paragraph is full of positive affirmations that can be used to turn your negative thinking around. (since it’s not doing you any good at all, I mean the feared BAD isn’t happening right now so why waste good energy on worrying about it right?)

    You said: “everything is fine, and will continue to be.” “I deserve all of this (good stuff)”, I “have faith in my future”. Those are all positive affirmations that you can repeat to yourself (over and over again) to get them to take the place of the negative (opposite thoughts). It’s behavior modification and it works. Try it!

    Now I am going to go do the same about this dreaded laser eye surgery I have to have on Friday so I am not a complete basket case all week worrying about it. I will say: “I am healthy in every other way and I will have a good week.” “I am calm and relaxed.” “I can have this experience and be just fine.”
    and “Thank God Fred will come and hold my hand to get me through.”

    Now lets go out and enjoy this beautiful spring weather and all those wonderful things popping up all over in nature!

  2. April 7, 2008 12:00 pm

    See spring as your life.

  3. April 7, 2008 8:57 pm

    Receiving the good…feeling deserving of all of the good that is there…I understand this, Sylvain. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    What if there was no “other shoe”? Then I wouldn’t have to self-sabotage…then things would be so different. The first step is recognizing the problem, which you’ve done. The next step is learning to receive good from the Universe. I have no good advice about this because I’m in the same place, and haven’t learned it yet, but you can bet I’ll be checking back here to see others’ advice and wisdom and to find out what you learn.

    Peace and love, O

  4. April 8, 2008 7:50 am

    Syl, first you need to get on board with the fact that there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are a natural ego response to your situation, which is really pretty doggoned good at the moment, as you point out.

    When your ego is given the chance, it will leap to the fore, attempting to predict and anticipate all manner of ills based solely on the past. Ego is evidence-driven and is not capable of dreaming or manifesting dreams. That part of you, yourSelf as my wife and teacher Julia is fond of calling it, is always connected with the energy of the universe, always able to guide you perfectly toward the completion of your dreams, always able to bring you to harmony with all that is.

    So, you face no different a challenge than we all face every day, it’s just more apparent to you because you see such a beautiful life all around you even as part of you dreads what’s coming. One answer to how you can be less influenced by these monkey-mind thoughts is to separate from them, gain some distance and perspective. Kelly is great at this, and I’m sure you talk to her about it.

    When you hear ego’s pronouncements in the form of worry or dread, you can laugh and call him names (“Mr Downer” or “Dr Doom” work well). This creates a separation between the real, true soul of you and the ego. You are not your ego! At the same time, you can shift your attention to a much quieter, less-insistent voice. That smaller, softer-speaking voice is yourSelf. It’s never strident, and it never goes away. It just takes practice to hear it.

    One exercise I created in order to remind myself of how poorly I run things if I am only paying attention to my ego: I give up. It is a mudra (a series of motions which allow your body and mind, both, to participate). I begin by bringing my hands to my chest, crossed over my heart as I say “I”, then bring my hands into the arms forward, palms up position as I say “give”, and raise my arms up so my fingers are pointing skyward as I say “up.”

    The significance of this exercise for me is that it is both a conscious surrender–the traditional meaning of “I give up”–to my higher self, or mySelf, and it is a different take on the same words as the mudra shows me giving up, literally giving upward. The upward part of this is not an indication that God is up in the sky, but a recognition that mySelf, yourSelf, all of us who constitute the universe and all that is, are at a higher vibrational frequency than we in our earthsuits are able to inhabit. That’s where wisdom and love become commonplace, those higher frequencies which touch the core of the universe.

    So, I am giving up in trying to run things at my level, and seeking to pay attention to my inner voice, the voice which connects me to harmony and to love. And, I then take my best next step, based on the sense I have received from mySelf. That’s all I am responsible for: one step, the best one I can find which accommodates the feelings and direction I am getting from the heart of me. I don’t have to predict the future or know where I will be in five years, yet I can rest secure in the knowledge that part of me can do that, and is always working on my behalf to bring to fruition all that I desire.

    It’s the way of dream-making.

    I have gotten a bit carried away, Syl, but this is good old, rock-solid material which really works, even if some of it seems a little esoteric and “out there”. I’m writing it to you today because it works for me. That’s the test of truth for each of us! If it works for you, use it. If not, let it go. Like all truth coming from one of us, it is applicable to some, and not applicable to others.

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