Gone

Not good news folks. It happened yesterday. I was so angry I couldn’t possibly blog about it.

I still can’t say much about it because until the end of the month I am bound by legalities.

What I CAN tell you is that the exciting opportunity which had presented itself has evaporated. The reason for this sudden evaporation is making my blood boil, and when I tell you, it will make yours boil too. But for now I can only tell you that there is much more uncertainty in my near future than there was only a few days ago.

Regrettably I had let myself start to believe that it was going to happen. It wasn’t completely foolish. When I am able to share, you’ll see that I had good reason to believe it would. But the problem with expectations, as we all know, is that you set yourself up for crushing disappointment. That was me yesterday.  Terribly disappointed. And angry. Extremely angry.

So here I am, back to contemplating what I should do with my life three weeks from now. There will be a severance package, and after that employment insurance. So I am by no means headed to the food bank. But there will be some serious changes now, more than I had hoped for.

I’m going from scared to excited, and back again at least 10 times a day.  The scared moments come when I think about all the security and comfort that I am losing. All the work and uncertainty that the next little while will bring. The realization that I can no longer do anything I want without worrying much about where the money will come from. And the fear that I am somehow letting down Kelly or my family.

The excitement comes when I realize that I haven’t really liked my job for the last several years. I’m bored. I was stagnating in a sea of meaningless marketing crap. What I did for a living added nothing of value to society. True, I paid my share of income taxes, but I did nothing of true meaning. And it has bothered me for a very long time.

I miss the phone company.  Back then, at least a few times a week I would get a sincere thank you. I would maybe get someones phone back working who was nine months pregnant and didn’t want to be without. Or I would have one of my managers deliver one of our giant bag style cell phones (1992) to an older woman living by herself until we could fix the large cable cut on her block. On hectic days as a dispatcher I would juggle huge workloads and shuffle crews around getting the most out of the staff we had to get the most people back in service that day. I went home exhausted, but feeling like I had accomplished something of value. I had made a difference in some lives that day. I know, it’s not huge stuff, but I felt like I mattered. I miss that feeling.

No, I wouldn’t want to be back at the phone company. Things have changed. Everyone has a cell phone or knows someone who does and land lines are less important now. That isn’t the point anyway. I think I just want something where I have contact with people. I’m not stupid. I worked with the public before. I know many (most?) are ungrateful at best, and often downright nasty, but the sweet appreciative ones more than make up for it.

A lot to think about. And I’ll bring you along with me on this ride. What is most comforting to me is that I know I am not alone this time. Kelly is so supportive. I know she will be there with all the hugs and words of encouragement I need when I need them most. That alone pretty much ensures success.

Also, on another front, there was some very good news today. I went for an ultrasound to follow-up on my kidney adventures. The ultrasound tech was so sweet. They are not supposed to tell you anything of course, but as she was checking my kidney for any fragments or stones this was the non-conversation:

Tech: “Oh everything looks great, nothing there at all.

Me:  “Oh thank you!! You just made my day!”

Tech:  “I didn’t say anything.”

Me: “..and I didn’t hear anything”

Tech: “Great, I’m just going to keep talking to myself. You’re free to listen if you like”

And on she went describing the good news. All the stone bits that were there are gone.