You May Have Noticed

As a few of you may have noticed, I took my blog offline for a week or so. I had a bit of a scare at work; I thought a co-worker may have inadvertently discovered my blog. I had worried about that possibility when I first started this, but that fear had subsided, and I honestly hadn’t thought much about it lately.

It’s a bit weird what we all do out here in blogland, at least for me it is. I let it all out, I write about stuff I’ve kept bottled up for years, and vent about things and share stories about my past, personal stories that help you understand how I got to be who I am today. But writing it is therapy too, putting it into words helps me let go of some things, or even discover a bit as I write, thinking things through while at the keyboard.

It’s not all like that, of course, some of what I write is just for fun, and some is the “what I ate for breakfast” type of stuff. But a lot of it isn’t. And it’s that more personal stuff that made me wig out and take my blog offline when I thought I had been discovered.

A friend at work came across the name “abitibisouth” that I had been using for another application. He would have never made the connection that that was me, except that I also used my real picture for that application. So he came to see me first thing in the morning and said “hey, I found you on *application name*, I didn’t know you were on there” And he got a blank look from me as my stomach sank into my shoes. “Oh and what’s with that name “Atibitisomething south” or whatever it is.

Ok good, he doesn’t quite remember the name, so as soon as he left my desk, and hopefully before he could Google it and find my blog, I went private. Then I switched my name on the application. And with the help of a dear sweet helpful friend, I think I killed any other possible way of him backtracking to find the blog again.

Unless. Unless of course he wrote down the name and/or remembers it. In that case, he is reading this right now. Because as you can see, I am back live.

Why?

Well, the fact is I enjoy this. It’s a wonderful outlet and the support of the regular readers that I’ve accumulated (all half dozen of you) means so very much to me.

I had to think very hard about what would happen if in fact this blog was discovered by my coworkers and I decided that I will deal with it head on if and when that happens. The unfortunate consequence would be that it would likely change the way I write, and certain posts would vanish, so I really hope that doesn’t happen. So Andy, if you’re reading this, I would really prefer it if you kept it to yourself.

That’s all for now, more to talk about tomorrow. I just wanted to let you all know that I’m back.

New Record!!

Alright I’m going to gloat a little. I’ve only been blogging since September (or thereabouts) and my record so far was 98 views in one day. That happened on my very first day. It just so happened that both Kelly and Violet linked to me that day, and announced I had arrived in blogland. As they both have a loyal following, I got 98 views. But not since. I hover around 10 or 15 at best. Which is great, I’m happy with that. But I so wanted to break the 100 mark.

Well, apparently I only needed to take off my shirt.

Yep, 134 views. Makes me wonder what happens if I take off my pants. (kidding) Both Violet and Kelly linked to me again, and I know that is the reason for the high numbers. But I’ve broken the 100 mark, so mission accomplished.

Seriously though, thank you so much for the wonderful comments. Your support means so much to me and I have been smiling since Sunday. The sunburn is pretty bad, mostly on my shoulders, but Rick you are right, I had totally forgotten what that felt like, so that in itself is a new experience. Melle you’ll be happy to know that I picked up two kinds of sunblock tonight.

Alive

I’m not even sure when it started. Some time around the age of 9 or 10 I guess. Possibly after my surgeries started. Or after I had started going to a special school. Maybe it was just puberty like any other “normal” kid. I became embarrassed of my body.

I know every kid goes through this stage of course. But for me, with the added element of a disability mixed in, it became much more than just insecurity.

I remember for a long time not even believing that I was in the body that I was in. I had built up an idea of who I was, and that wasn’t it. I lived in that bubble. I didn’t want to deal with the reality of this mangled mess. Then I would pass a store window and accidentally catch my own reflection out of the corner of my eye. I would cringe. It was upsetting. I didn’t want to be that person.

In my mid-twenties, I decided enough was enough. I had accepted my reality of having a disability, but I still had not come to grips with the body that I was in. This had to change and I decided to figure out how on my own.

It took decades. I forced myself to look at my own reflection, to take pictures and video even. To look and watch and accept slowly that yes, that IS me and that IS my body. It may sound silly to some of you, how could you not know what you really look like? But I had never wanted to really look. I didn’t want to see, I didn’t want to deal with it. My technique may not be the best, I’m not sure, but it’s what worked for me.

Accepting is only part of the challenge. I then had to move on to actually liking what I saw. To believing that I was actually ok to look at, and that someone else might think so too.  Again, this took a very long time. But I eventually got there. It helped that I had a few girlfriends along the way. But I am certain I could never have been with anyone if I had not first accepted my body for what it was.

Still, even after all that work and effort, there was one thing I was never able to do. Much like the chubby kid at public pool who wears a t-shirt, I have never had the courage to take my shirt off in public. I had convinced myself that nobody wants to see that, “it’s not normal, I’m not normal, stay covered up”.  Until today.

Kelly and I went for a walk at a trail we had never been to. It was hotter than hell today, around 96 Fahrenheit and very humid, so it felt more like 105. The trail was deserted so I thought what the heck, and off came my shirt. No big deal, there’s nobody around.  But then, in the distance, some kids on bikes were coming. I nearly panicked and put it back on. I fought the urge, I drew on the courage that I get from Kelly, the confidence her love gives me, and fought the urge. It was two boys, they nodded hello and kept going, as if it was nothing, which it was. Then came the man with the dog. Same thing, only he made small talk before moving on.

When we left the trail, I put my shirt back on and we drove to another nature park. This is one we go to often. Many more people there. I doubted we could stay long because it was so hot. When we got there, Kelly settled in to read her book at a covered picnic table, and I went off into the woods. The heat was unbearable, and I decided after only a few minutes that the only way I could handle it was to take my shirt off again, and I did.

For a long time I saw no one, but soon I came across a family, they smiled and said hello. Later I passed a mother and daughter, bikers, runners, a young couple with a dog. Everyone smiled and many made small talk about the heat. It was great; I grew so comfortable I spent well over 2 hours shirtless.  I even was able to use the timer on my camera to get a picture of myself. It was a little washed out because I was white as a ghost. I’m a nice shade of lobster red now.

I think Kelly was quite surprised to see me arrive at her side sans-shirt. She knew of my insecurity, and as she was under a canopy in a more open public area, she knew it was something that was unthinkable for me just few hours before. 

She was still enjoying her book, so I went back into the woods for a bit longer. I had not had enough. I stopped for about ten minutes on a deserted part of the trail, way in the back. The park burns the area every spring to keep it free of trees, so it’s a natural prairie grass type habitat. I’m not sure if I can adequately explain how alive I felt. For over 30 years, I had not felt the sun or the wind on my skin. I turned towards the sun and just enjoyed its heat. I closed my eyes and felt the wind on my skin. I’m free.

 

Lost Time

I didn’t get too much done yesterday. It wasn’t a total waste, but let’s just say that I wasn’t as productive as I normally am. The reason? The Detroit River, which lies between Windsor Ontario Canada and Detroit Michigan U.S.A,  is the site of this weekends Red Bull Air Race. This race is held all over the world, but only in two US locations, San Diego, and this year, Detroit. It’s last stop was Dubai. You can get more info at www.redbullairrace.com, including ticket info, should you wish to attend this weekend.

Preparations have been going on for the last week. Fencing going up, Jumbo-Tron screens moved into place, tents, porta-johns and everything else you need for large gathering of humans.

Yesterday, the planes came out for their practice runs. We knew something was up when at 11:30 am, the Coast Guard was out shutting down the shipping channel. Then at noon, just as I was taking the first bite of my sandwich, the first plane came roaring out of the horizon.

I took a ton of pcitures, but here are just a few.

These ones are a wider angle, to give you a sense of the course.

 

 And these ones show the planes in action.

 

 

I was not sure if I wanted to attend. Until yesterday. I got goose bumps watching these things roar past us just a few hundred feet away. Time trials are Saturday, and the race is Sunday. If the weather is right, I’m SO there.

Skipping Along

Alright so I’ve been away for a while. Truth is I haven’t had much to say and what I did want to say was not very nice, or just boring, so I figured I should save it for myself.

I’ve had a very good couple of weeks for the most part. very busy at work however, and so my energy level in the evenings doesn’t have enough reserves for blogging.

I’ll start with the bad stuff first. Have you ever said something to the wrong person and have them twist your words and repeat it to someone and the whole thing becomes one HUGE mess? Ya, that was my world at work the last couple of weeks. Someone I have known for only 6 months had a casual conversation with me in which I voiced my opinion of what a friend’s manager MIGHT be thinking in a particular recent situation, and that IF that was the case, I couldn’t say that I disagreed with him. This friend I’m talking about, I’ve worked with her for ten years, her husband and I go to hockey games together, I went to the hospital to visit when their kids were born, they come to my house for BBQ’s, you get the picture, very good friends. Anyway, this new person, she told my friend that I had talked to her boss and agreed with him about how he is handling the situation. Now my friend won’t talk to me. If this is all sounding very “high school” you are absolutely right. And that’s a large part of what’s making me insane. If everyone involved was male, we would tell each other to f’off, then talk it over and go for a beer. But no, oh the drama. I could tell you more but it just gets more ridiculous, and honestly, it’s a waste of time. I only posted it because it DOES bother me to lose a friend over something I didn’t do, and it put me in a less than ideal frame of mind these last couple of weeks.

So that, plus a riduclous workload made a little less than my normally cheery self. But it wasn’t ALL bad. Kelly and I returned to Point Pelee last weekend and although the birding was not quite as good as the week before, we had fun and I added a couple to my life list.

One was this little fella. He was hard to spot at first. We knew where to look because a crowd had gathered, but he was still pretty well camouflaged. I was able to add Screech Owl to my life list.

 

Also on the same day, thanks to an alert birder who pointed it out to us, we were able to see a yellow warbler building it’s nest. She was building it just a foot off the ground, and it looked like a tiny teacup made of silk.

 

Another good thing is that with some help I have managed to plant our little herb garden. It’s not too big, in fact it’s in containers on the deck, but it has most of what I think we might need to add to recipes through the summer. I’ve always wanted to try this, and Kelly seemed to like the idea so here it is.

Dinner was especially good tonight, if you’ll allow me to pat myself on the back for a minute. I made NY strip on the BBQ and vegetable skewers. The skewers were mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, red onion, and three kinds of sweet peppers. I brushed them with half a cup of Olive oil, to which I added 2 tbsp of Balsamic Vinegar, 5 cloves of crushed garlic and salt and pepper. My mother made some basmati rice, and my sister made a fruit cobbler. All of it went perfectly with a bottle of Cabernet Franc.

 

This has nothing to do with anything, but I still want to mention it because it made me happy. I was driving to work on Thursday, doing my usual thinking and planning about the day ahead, driving on autopilot dodging the same potholes I dodge every day. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something bright yellow on the sidewalk. I looked up ahead of me, and it was a little girl, maybe 9 or 10 years old. It was a bright sunny day, and there she was, with her bright yellow shoes, skipping to school. Yes, skipping. Not the kind with a rope, just the skipping along that happy kids do, not a care in the world. She wasn’t doing it to make someone laugh, or to make a statement, I looked around and there was nobody for blocks. No, she was just skipping because she WAS happy. And she did NOT have a care in the world. For a moment I remembered that feeling, I felt that happiness. She made my heart sing. She really did. I smiled all the way to work.   The world needs more skipping.

Little Wooden Bridge

3:30 am. That’s when I woke up this morning. Yes, on a Saturday. It’s migration time and Kelly and I are lucky enough to live near one of the best birding areas in North America, Point Pelee National Park.

The weather for today was promising to be good, so we had decided to get up early and get to the park bright and early. That meant trying to get there for 6am, or at least that was my goal.

It takes me a while to get my act together in the morning, so I set the alarm for 3:30am, hit snooze a couple times, and by they time we actually hit the road it was about 6:15. We were in the park at 7am, with a primo parking spot to boot. (ok so the handicap parking sticker helps a bit)

To be truthful, I was a little intimidated, what if someone talks to me? I know nothing yet, and these will be hard core birders from all over the world.

 

Kelly briefed me on some minor birder etiquette on the way there, common sense really unless you are a total social idiot. Birders, as it turns out, are a very kind and friendly bunch. When we first got there, we weren’t really sure where to go first. As Kelly wandered off a bit to look at something she spotted, a gentleman sitting on a bench asked if I had just gotten there on this day. (He assumed we were from out of town)  He asked me what we had seen so far. Oh no, it was happening…RUN!! But no, I clumsily explained that I was a newbie and that my girlfriend was the birder. He asked her name, then he called her over. “Kelly, hi, listen,  if you want to see some really cool stuff, go up that trail a few minutes, go left and keep going to the bridge, you can’t miss it, there will be a huge crowd there.”  Kelly had been somewhat unenthused until then, but I saw the excitement rush into her. “Yeah, let’s go THERE!” 

And he was right. You would not believe the crowd of birders jammed onto a little wooden bridge. The bridge spanned a wet swampy area and the trees were alive with warblers of all kinds.  I thought I would never get across, let alone find a spot to sit and view for myself, but as I said, they are a friendly bunch, more than happy to give way and let everyone have a look. We later worked our way around the rest of the trail and found several other similar spots.

I won’t go over the whole day with you, but we had an absolute blast. Kelly listed all the birds that we saw, most of which were first timers for me, and some even new for her. I had brought along my new camera, and got a few pictures for you. Keep in mind Warblers don’t sit still for very long, so these are lucky shots. Not too bad for my first time.

 ( Note: All images property of AbitibiSouth )

 Yellow Warbler

 Black-Throated Green Warbler

 Black-Throated Blue Warbler

 Magnolia Warbler

Then later, when we stopped for a bit at the Marsh Boardwalk, I was able to get some Canada Geese with their Goslings. They are SOO cute!!

     (don’t you just want to cuddle them??)

 So I’m tired, I’m a little sun burnt, and my neck is a little sore from looking up so much, (Kelly says this is called Warbler Neck) but I wouldn’t trade today’s experiences for anything.

Been Having Fun

It’s been a good month. As most of you probably suspect, I am pleased with Kelly’s decision to put off moving out. I know it may be a temporary thing, until her work situation settles down, but it’s awful nice to have her close, and I am tickled pink that I get to be blessed in this way for while longer.

April brought with it several milestones. I turned 40 on the 14^th.  The 20^th was the first anniversary of meeting Kelly in person.  And on the 27^th I reached the 10 year mark at my current place of employment. At our next town hall I get a shadow box and $1000 to mark the occasion. The intent is that you spend the money on something fun, take a picture of yourself doing it, and then put the picture in the shadow box next to the big “10″ on your desk.

I also acquired several fun toys. I got a new camera on my birthday, a few days later I purchased a Nintendo Wii, and then last weekend I bought myself an acoustic guitar.

So I suppose that explains where I’ve been this last little while. With so many new things to do, my free time has been soaked up enjoying all these new hobbies.

I have to say the guitar is where most of my time is spent. I am REALLY enjoying it. I’ve only had it a week, and I still suck, but I don’t care. That’s the beauty of it. I am doing this just for me. Good or bad doesn’t matter. I hit some strings and every now and then something that resembles music comes out. I had no idea how relaxing this would be. All I remember was being frustrated when I was kid, taking leasons and learning songs I didn’t know.

It’s surprising though how much I did actually remember from when I took lessons as a kid. The finger positions came back quickly; the ability to switch from one chord to the next came back fast. And with a little research and few you tube lessons, I am already playing parts of Pink Floyd and Eagles songs, and I’m going to try some Bob Seger next.

The camera has also been a source of endless fun. Two weeks ago, while Kelly spent some time at the office on a Saturday, I took the camera to Ojibway Park to see what I might be able to capture. Within minutes I spotted a man taking pictures of leaves. I looked and finally asked him what he was looking at. This is what I eventually saw.

 

Then I figured, hey, might as well try the zoom feature.

 

I little while later I spotted some deer. They were way off in the distance and I could barely make them out, but their white tails gave them away. I knew there was a trail that circled back that way, so I went all they away around (a 15 minute trek) and then spotted them again. There were five of them. Look hard you can see three in this picture:

 

I sat still long enough for them to get curious about me. One in particular seemed to want her picture taken.

 

Then today Kelly and I went back to Ojibway as it is now migration time. We saw too many birds for me to remember, but I only managed to get a few pictures, as warblers don’t tend to sit still very much. The nature center has some feeders out, so I got this Gold Finch as well as a white throated sparrow and a White crowned sparrow in the foreground.

 

Bailey is not quite as enthusiastic about the new camera as me.

 

Got it.

  

If you’ve been reading my blog for a little while, this picture speaks for itself.

  

 

 

 

Logging and Lodging

Lynn asked a very good question. Am I logging out? (Get it? Wood chipper? Logging out??) This is the part where Kelly rolls her eyes, and gives me that “why am I with you” look.

No, I will continue blogging if y’all will continue reading. I don’t draw much of a crowd anyway, but I enjoy writing when the mood catches me and it’s nice to have a place to share some thoughts or blow off some steam.

So what’s new? Hmm…well, I’m 40. That was on Monday. Rather uneventful except for the fantastic birthday gift from Kelly. She got me a new digital camera that I’ve been researching for a while. I wanted something with a good optical zoom and image stabilization. I settled on the Canon Powershot S5. So far I LOVE it! Easy and fun to use and takes very good pictures. And with a 12x optical zoom, you should see some cool pictures on my blog in the near future.

But my birthday was filled with mixed emotions. I took Thursday and Friday off because I had contractors working in the house. I was having a new furnace, central air and tankless water heater installed. It was supposed to take two days. It took three, of course. This means on my birthday day off, Monday, I was trapped in the house supervising these guys instead of out and about in the sunshine playing with my new camera.

But also Monday night we had an agent coming by for Kelly to sign some papers. She was making an offer to lease a condo that we saw and liked on the weekend. If you read Kelly’s blog you know that she has decided to move out. Living here is just too difficult for her, she needs a place to call her own. I’ve grown accustomed to the idea. Am I happy about it? No, of course not. Do I understand and support her? Yes, of course. I love her and if this is what is best for her sanity, then I have to get behind it. Forcing her to stay where she is not at peace would only serve to destroy our relationship. So, as though turning forty was not enough, or perhaps to demonstrate that there are more important things in life than a number, my life threw me another twist. Kelly was signing papers to move out on my birthday.

It’s a very nice building, only a few short blocks from here. Underground parking, separate fitness building with a saltwater pool, squash courts, weights room, sauna etc. If she must move out, than I was happy this was the place. I will feel comfortable knowing she is in a secure building, clean and comfortable, and close by to boot. The agent told us they go fast and that there were other offers. He said she should offer more just in case. She did not. And last night he called to say Kelly did not get the condo.

I wasn’t sure how to feel. Part of me was sad for her. Part of me was happy for me. And still another part of me felt guilty for being happy while she might be sad.

The phone just rang a few minutes ago. The other person’s credit is not acceptable to the owner of the condo. He wants to lease to Kelly. She gets the keys May 1^st.

Anyone Have A Wood Chipper??

For years now, many years, I am often confused for someone named Keith. It happens quite often, at the mall, at festivals, at home shows, anywhere large groups of people gather. I will be minding my own business and someone I don’t know will walk by and smile and say “Hi Keith!”

Most times they keep going and I am too indifferent to turn around and yell “HEY, I’m not KEITH you DIMWIT!!”  A few times these people have actually tried to make small talk. Understanding that they can’t possibly know Keith that well if they think I am him, I sometimes just go along with it.

Kelly has been a witness to this several times already in the short time we have been together. We both laugh about it mostly, but it’s got me wondering if I really even look like this guy at all? Or are these people just seeing the wheelchair and one or two other common traits (like we are both men and, I dunno, have teeth).

The worst part is when I bump into people I have had dealings with in the past, I recognise them and they seem to recognize me, but when they approach, they call me Keith. This happened recently at a home show, I was zipping around looking for tankless water heaters and backup generators, and I saw a former local politician that I have had dealings with in several capacities over the years. I doubted she would remember me, but I saw in her face that she did. Well not really. “Hi Keith!”   Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have talked about this a few times while having lunch with the guys at work. I’m  told this other person is called my doppelganger. I had never heard the term, but I looked it up and I suppose that description, although somewhat weird and spooky, fits.  The guys assure me that I must kill my doppelganger or he will kill me. This is apparently common knowledge. I found this website to help clear up a few facts.

I felt it was pretty unlikely that I would ever figure out who Keith was, so killing him was not really in cards anyway.  I don’t believe we look anything like each other, I’m sure we could pass each other on the street and not even notice.

But then this morning, while waiting in line a Tim Horton’s (a coffee shop for you non-Canadians) a woman turned to me and said “Hi Keith, are you still with Traffic Engineering?” My as of yet coffee-less brain took a second to react. “You have me confused with someone else”

Puzzled, she replied, “really?…..your first name is not Keith?”

Now had I had more time or perhaps had my coffee by then, there were so many possible responses to her insistence that I might be unclear as to my own identity. But all I could muster was “nope”

“Hmmph” she replied and settled back as though rejected.

I wondered if maybe my doppelganger is a total player. Maybe Keith had had crazy wild sex with this woman and she was pissed because she thought I was trying to pretend I didn’t know her. Meh, maybe she was just embarrassed because she is an idiot.

Regardless, the point is that I now have a lead. I know where Keith works. He works for the city in the Traffic Engineering Department!  Don’t worry. I’m not going to try to kill him. But if I can muster up the courage, I may go over and get a picture of Keith and I sitting side by side.

 PS: Bonus points if you can tell me which movie Kelly and I watched last night.