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The First Step – Car Shopping Part 1

January 5, 2008

“I’m ready for you to take me car shopping.” I had been waiting for those words to come out of Kelly’s mouth for quite some time. We had talked about the possibility of her getting her own vehicle once she found a good job, and so I knew the time was coming. I love cars and so I was extremely excited at the idea of being able to shop around. I mean seriously, how often does one get to do that!?

But when she did finally say those words, what followed was not what I had hoped to hear. She continued with, “I can’t get my own apartment until I have a way of getting to work on my own”  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

We have talked about it often. I know living with my family is difficult. I know it’s a huge challenge for her. But I have a way of letting hope get the best of me. She had been doing so well with the complaint free thing that I guess I thought everything was going very well. That she was growing accustomed to the irritants that used to make her nuts. So I had let myself believe that the possibility of her not living with me under the same roof was a thing of the past. Or at the very least, much less likely. I know now that that is not the case, and that I may once again live by myself with my family. Sounds silly when I put in a sentence like that. “By myself, with my family” But it is what it used to feel like. I dread the thought of it.

Yet, there is nothing more I want anymore in this world, than for Kelly to be happy. If I truly believe that, then I need to get my head around what makes her tick. And if hours of alone time is the only way for her to be happy, than I need to give her that. And if her own place with her own things is the only way she can achieve it properly, than I need to accept that as well.  It all sounds pretty easy when I type it out and read it back to myself. But it’s not. It’s hard. It’s really really hard.

I had hoped we could make it work here. I had planned to finish the extra 1500 square feet of space in the basement and make a little refuge for her to have all to herself. I had thought that might be enough to give her what I know is needed, a break from the tension of dealing with others. And who knows, that may just work too. But what I need to do for myself now is prepare my head and my heart for the possibility that it will not be the solution. That the only solution is for her to move out, as much as I hate the thought of it.

And the first step was shopping for a car. What I had so looked forward to, had become the first step towards something I hoped would not come to be.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 6, 2008 11:08 am

    Sylvain, the courage you are demonstrating is only equaled by the love you so obviously feel in great depth for Kelly. Love is never more tested than in the circumstances you describe, where you know, in the short term, it will be a difficult time for you. Yet, you do your best to provide help to Kelly precisely because of the love you feel.

    There is no way to know what will come of this, Sylvain, but you know in your heart that Kelly deserves exactly what you are giving her now: your full support even as she looks to move out.

    Here’s to the happiest couple in Canada, months from now, when all the issues you now face have been resolved and you have come to a new place of balance, whatever that may be.

  2. January 6, 2008 7:43 pm

    Okay, I knew I was feeling sad for a good reason. I guess I was reading between the lines…under the rug…well I wasn’t seeing your words so how could I know, but I knew…I was only reading Kellys words…and somehow I just had a hard time believing you were “just being supportive” without the obvious (to me) feelings that would be more the truth, your truth. I felt that “punch in the guts” you spoke of Syl. I knew it had to be there.

    1500 square feet? That’s nearly the size of my whole three bedroom/3 car garage house! Not far enough away?

    I am trying real hard here to not get in the middle of this. It’s none of my d… business…Oy, but I feel your disappointment, sadness in this possible move.

    I did ask Kelly if she thought the two of you might be living together alone one day and she thought that a possiblity. But she didn’t say when that might be.

    So life goes on.
    New car…new abode…different twist on the relationship…timewise…she assured me her new abode would be w/c accessable. I asked. 😉 I guess I am looking out for you.

    Okay, I am butting out now…

    Just had to tell you I was feeling your pain before I knew for sure for sure you were in pain over this.
    I wish I was wrong.

    Hugs.

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